yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?