has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.