The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My life in a nutshell
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
all that yoga finally paid off
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.