Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
no regrets
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)