I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.