Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.