I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)