*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good