Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
dutch is not a serious language
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.