Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
You Might Also Like
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.