Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.