It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
this independent good boy don’t need no human
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!