hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
#ProTip
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
We have a winner.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier