I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.