(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
You Might Also Like
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk