[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
🤣dope
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
bears
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.