I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open