cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.