Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
groan^2
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom