My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
🤣✨#caturday