If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.