Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.