Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.