If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*