As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
馃幍 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!馃幍WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
never thought I鈥檇 have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m giving up for Lent.