My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.