[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom