SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind