5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*limbos away from your hug*
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.