I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
oh no, steve’s working tonight
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.