jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
How high do the levels go?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.