Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives