Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.