Carpe DM
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Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Sending in my taxes
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”