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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
All food is good if you spell it wrong