i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
He a real one for that
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.