Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You are not alone 💚
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Somebody call the cops.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.