HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Nothing to do, you say?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.