The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉