To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The first one, obviously
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.