How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
5 ways to appear taller
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Have a lovely day 😊
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
beware of dog
Smooooooth
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.