My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!