dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My favorite female superhero
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?