*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning