classic mixup
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.