My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.