*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
You Might Also Like
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho