why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Monday Lisa
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.