There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You Might Also Like
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My favorite farside!!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Based Erika
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.