Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?